Manide?  not going well at all.  I just can't go any further because its too hard.  At least Tristan isn't here yet.

Yes, I'm sticking my head in the sand like an ostrich as a survival device.  But at least I wear make up and look better when I come out of the sand....

Okay-onto the life I'm pretending to live.  I got my whole house cleaned and fixed up from top to bottom yesterday.  Errands ran today.  Sam is slowly feeling better. More band work last night and tonight.  But the big news?  He got more work done on his tattoo on his left arm yesterday.  Yes, we are that kind of family.  I paid for the initial outline on his 21st birthday which is still a secret from his dad.  A pirate ship with a Kracken surrounding it.  He now has a half sleeve-shoulder to elbow-colored in and it looks beautiful.  After 4 hours of work yesterday, he is hurting. Me, being me, I now want to talk him into a parrot with a peg leg and an eye patch attacking the ship/kracken.

At least I think it would be funny.

Buk looks so handsome after his grooming.  Sam let him sleep with him last night-skunk smell completely gone.  I wish I could let him sleep with me, but I have between 2 and 3 cats sleeping with me on my bed each night.  Yes, I AM crazy cat lady a little bit.   But I also used to let a 90 lb Lab sleep on my bed every night and I now like to roll over the few hours of sleep I get.

3am is my wake up time right now.  I know its because I have a lot on my mind and sleep is rather elusive. The upside is that the first load of laundry went in at 4:30 this morning.  At least I will be able to get a few loads done and dried early before the dryer starts heating up the house.  I'm working through the downsides of the situation the best I can with a lot of journalling.  There isn't much else I can do right now.

I got an early start on my Tuesday errands yesterday and got a lot accomplished.  I had to make a second grocery store run because they forgot to put one of my bags in my shopping cart on my way out.  Feel I'm becoming rather assertive which, at times, can be a good thing or a bad thing.  But my fruit made it home on the second trip-Sam and I are real big on fruit right now.

My massage therapist confirmed what I had thought-my back is definitely on the mend!  I'm even going to attempt-with her approval-some yoga today.  Yoga is something my back definitely loves.  I'm also going to go for a walk after I drop Buk off at the groomers.  Not only is it good for my body, but also helps me deal with stress and I need all the help I can get right now.  It will be lovely to bring Buk home this afternoon and be able to gaze into his beautiful brown eyes again.  Also, to not have the boy smell like skunk.  I hope to get better at washing his face.  We were out on the patio and in the yard last night until sundown.  Then I rounded him and Neko up and herded everyone in before the skunks came out.  They are definitely the enemy right now and seem to be winning.  But I do enjoy being outside and watching all my solar lights come on in the evening.

Sam's cold is getting better.  I'm hoping he doesn't end up sharing.  I plan to spend some quality time with my disinfectant wipes today to ensure that doesn't happen.

Just what I needed to do-get hooked on a new reality tv show.  It happened over the weekend.  I know if Sam saw me watching it, I'd get more grief from him than I do when I watch any of the "Real Housewives" shows.  Its on VH1 and called "Mob Wives".  Those are some scary women-they would definitely kick the "Real Housewives" butts and not even break a nail doing so.  

We had a new baby panda born over the weekend.  So its time to check panda cam and see how mother and baby are doing this morning-I let myself do that once a day.  And then go gather up my third load of laundry for the morning.  One more thing to check off my "To Do" list!

And the fighting with Matt continues.  I know Mandie had a rough week last week, breaking up twice.  But I found out something late Friday afternoon that happened which I'm upset about.  There are some lines you don't cross in a relationship-or with anyone I feel-and we had it out about that Saturday.  I'm being asked to act as though nothing happened, and just haven't reached that point yet.  To me, there was Simply. No. Excuse.  Had it been him, I would have been even more upset.  Certain behaviors are not acceptable and, if you are one of my sons, you could expect a verbal ass kicking from me.  Right now I need distance from the whole situation for a few days.  

Moving on, poor Sam has a terrible cold.  We are hoping it doesn't move into his ears.  That sort of messes up the whole plays-lead-guitar-in-a-band thing.  But fortunately there are no gigs for the next two weeks.  We are suppose to go to Sea World this week for the afternoon/evening, but I'm going to wait and see how he feels.

Deck party was Saturday night with my neighbor and one of her friends.  I was sort of in a crappy mood, so no pictures this time.  Buk ended the evening by getting skunked.  The magiv formula (peroxide/baking soda/Ivory soap) works really well, but its hard to get around his face.  I take him to the groomers tomorrow so they can clean him up good.  He also needs to be trimmed again.  I won't let them go as short as last time, but Matt had let him get so matted that the poor thing did need to be shaved.

I feel very un-American because I'm not watching the Olympics.  I love the winter ones, but the summer ones don't really excite me.  I have heard a lot of complaints about the coverage on NBC on Twitter.  But the thing I'm enjoying most is that I follow Samuel L. Jackson on Twitter.  He is a confessed Olympaholic and is tweeting live coverage of what he is seeing.  Yes, the language gets a bit colorful, but it Samuel L. Jackson for goodness sake!  Remember the whole "Snakes on a Plane" thing? The man must be glued to his tv right now.

Its probably scary that I know this, but this is me that we are talking about.  Season 2 of "American Horror Story" started filming yesterday.  Adam Levine from Maroon 5 will be in the initial episodes.  He tweeted that the filming for the day was "C. A. F" and I know what that means.  Then Ryan Murphy tweeted a picture from the set.  I thought last season and going down in that darned basement was bad-nope, this season we will be in an asylum on the East Coast with blood on the walls.  I love that show but can never own it on dvd because it scares me.  However, its tied with "Mad Men" with the most Emmy nominations which I find very exciting.  The way it is written is truly ground-breaking.  What I still can't figure out is how the man responsible for the joy that is "Glee" can write/direct something so dark and scary.

Summer movie season is wrapping up.  I'm just waiting for "Expendables 2" in the middle of August.  Its been a darned good season.  I think, overall, "The Avengers" was definitely my favorite.  I think "Batman" will definitely go to the Oscars.  There are several indie movies I still need to see.  "Moonrise Kingdom" will go also.  And then I have to wait for winter movie season which starts about the middle of November and runs through Christmas.

My back is getting better.  I am still being careful with it.  Today is another appointment with the massage therapist.  I have to go grocery shopping, but will buy 6 packs of water instead of cases of water.  I don't think I'll have time to walk today, but will definitely do so tomorrow.  I have to start getting myself in shape for my October Disneyland trip!

Its been warm and humid here, but not unbearable yet.  I can live with the warm/humid thing.  Its the darned Santa Ana's we get in September and October that I hate.  Once the humidity drops into the teens, I close up the house and start running my humidifiers.  I do not handle dry heat very well-life as a human potato chip?  Not fun.

You know that whole craptastic stuff and me being mad at Matt?

I was getting the mani/pedi thing done (only thing I do for myself once a month) when I checked Instagram to make sure Andie was not at the hospital-only way I've found out in the last month-and saw a horrible picture of me 10 months ago that Matt had taken of me with the following:

"A year ago yesterday we took my mom out of the hospital after being told she wouldn't make it. Now she's getting ready to meet her grandson, healthier then before, and makes great faces  when you point a disposable camera at her.  Love you mom."

Its gotten over a 100 likes.

My response as soon as I saw it?

"Asshole-I'm sitting getting a pedicure and crying now.  I love you!"

And the people who know me will totally get that.  So I'm doing the only thing I can-blowing off my to do list and Sam and I are heading to the movie to see "The Watch".

Somehow I just have to stop crying.

Dear Tristan, your dad isn't the jerk I thought he was a few hours ago.  Like I told your dad and uncle Sam, I will always love you with all my heart, but sometimes I won't like you very much and you will feel the same way about me.  Love, Grandma

Please mark your calendars-this is Craptastic Day #2.

Considering this is the one year anniversary of me coming home from the hospital on death watch and weighing 87 pounds, I know I shouldn't be complaining.  And that does help me put it into perspective.

For 3 days the ex has been trying to transfer money into my account at our new bank.  Checked this morning at 6:30 and it didn't happen.  My day isn't going to go well when he and I start texting at 6:32 in the morning.  I play stupid person very well.  Its a game that amuses me.  But I will be marching into the bank playing dumb housewife and sitting there until they make this happen.  I have grocery shopping and the deck party Saturday night and life in general that needs to happen.  The ex keeps me on a very short financial leash.  I've got to have gas money to make it to the hospital if baby T decides this is the weekend.

Like I said, craptastic day #2.

Mental reset time.

My back is hurting.  I did too much yesterday.  I won't plant the remaining flowers and everything is watered.  I can't grocery shop (see above) but, when I can, I will take Sam with me.

But I'm home.  In my house that I love.  Okay-here comes crazy cat lady.  But the 3 of them make me happy.  Sam makes me laugh.  And then there is Buk who Matt will now have to kidnap in the dead of night when they move to a place where they can have a dog.  I'm going to Disneyland in October.  Oscar season starts in December and I become unbearable.  I got really cute leopard print slip on tennis shoes for 6.99 at Target.  If Tristan decides today is the day, I will NOT buy him anything for 3 weeks and will NOT gaze upon his perfection for at least 7 minutes.  I have to take a stand sometimes.  Sam and I are going to Sea World for the evening next week.  I can actually walk and take a shower by myself.  I can drive wherever I want to.

Okay, I have mentally reset. As of 7:27am PST, this day is no longer a craptastic day.

I can sum today up in one word-craptastic.  I kept mentally resetting and thinking I'd turn it around and things would get better.  And then they turned craptastic again.  Started at 9am and lasted until 7pm.  One word descriptions:  bank, ex husband, accountant/taxes, Matt, ex husband, bank, people in line in front of me at the restaurant-okay, I used more than one word.  What can I say?  My day was craptastic.

One good thing though.  Stress is contributing to my back problems.  I use exercise to relieve stress.  No exercise with the back problems.  So twice today I loaded Buk in the car and we went for lovely 20 minute walks in one of my favorite places.  I'm going to try to do that every day when possible.  I could feel the tension leaving my body and I smiled.  Buk wanted to bring home a gigantic palm tree he fell in love with.  Explained we had a smaller one in the backyard and, if I tried to put this one on the roof of Elliot the Honda Element, it would squash him like a fly.  Over the next few days when Buk and I walk, I'll try to get pictures of our adventures.  I love that little guy and am glad Matt couldn't take him when he moved out.

Matt-he did something that I won't even go into that really pissed me off today.  Then Sam told me Mandie broke up last night, but I guess they are back together today.  Is it wrong I'm pretending for the moment to only have one son?

Stress, stress, stress.

But Lauren and I have tenatively planned our second deck party for Saturday night.  Fire in the fire bowl.  She, Buk, and I out on the deck making s'mores.  Taking pictures.  Giggling.

I need that right now.

Forgot to tell you about email I got from ex.  "You should consider inviting me to go with you to the movies the next time you go.  Not that you need to feel obligated to do so."

I'm sort of mentally numb at this point.  But I did get my to do list done for the day.  Now I'm going to put on a cute pair of jammies, take Neko and Buk out to the patio with me, and we will watch the solar lights all come on.  I think I'm even going to skip "Big Brother" tonight-and that's saying a lot.

Dear Tristan, please not tonight.  Love, Grandma

There are days where it seems impossible to get a little window of time to blog-and today has been one of those days.

Yesterday turned out pretty good.  I did spend about an hour in the backyard working, but didn't lift anything heavier than a cup of water-that's my rule of measure for now.  It was warm and sunny.  I took Neko and Buk out with me.  Worked with the solar lights a little.  Did a little rearranging.  Three of the stake lights I couldn't get to work for several weeks.  I kept thinking they weren't getting enough sun.  Nope.  OE-operator error.  I forgot to turn them on!  I get so obsessed with just where I want each one to go, that I guess I forgot to turn on those three.  A rocket scientist I am not.  The front/backyard are thick with hummingbirds again hitting my feeders-I love those little things!  It was relaxing and enjoyable to spend some time out there.

I went to see the massage therapist who noticed an improvement.  She came up with a few more recommendations to get me back and running around like the crazy woman that I am.  I feel I'm seeing the light at the end of the dark back tunnel.

I got up early this morning to run a few errands.  I've been trying to find a small outdoor table for one corner of my front porch.  Its the last thing I need and then, other than some flowers, my yards are done to my complete enjoyment and satisfaction.  I went to Ace Hardware, Dixieline-nothing.  I understand.  To the retail frame of mind, its now fall and we should all be inside with roaring fires, slippers, and warm pullover sweaters.  It really hasn't even begun to get hot here yet.  

I hate Home Depot.  I feel like I'm in a foreign country and don't speak the language.  I'm like a fish out of water.  I avoid going there at all costs.  But. I. Wanted. A. Table.

I went to Home Depot.

It was about 8:30am-not crowded at all.  I grabbed a cart and headed outside to the gardening department.  I wanted to pick up a few plants for my sunpots.  Pushing my cart around and talking out loud to myself to get myself through the experience.  I found some lovely plants and went on my quest for the perfect front porch table.  I turned down the next aisle and immediately stopped.  I posted a picture of what I saw on my Twitter and Facebook-I need to figure out how to get pictures from my cell phone onto my computer.  But what I saw put a big smile on my face.  No, it wasn't a cute guy because I do admit that works for me.  I felt I had just been introduced to my personal ambassador employed by Home Depot.

It was a cat taking its morning bath by the planters and fountains.

There are three who live there-I got to talk to the lady who takes care of them every day.  The one I met had been born there.  She gives them breakfast and dinner.  They live in the garden center.

I feel less hostile towards Home Depot now.  I may not speak Home Depotese, but I am a master at speaking Cat.  But no table.

I went to Target to get stuff and groceries.  I found the one half aisle that still had a few outdoor things on clearance.  And the angels sang.....

The perfect table!

Only one there.  I went to grab it-I swear the thing weighed more than I do.  I hesitated for 3 seconds-table or back, table or back, table or back.  Of course you know who won.

It looks perfect on my porch!  I got it into the car and had Sam take it out.  And 3 Motrin and 2 heat packs later, I walked out the front door and admired my perfect porch.

Sam gave me the Mandie update for the day.  Not good.  Matt called Sam late last night to pick him up from a bar.  Driving was not an option for the father-to-be.  They had had a fight so he went out with friends.  Sam offered to bring him here.  Nope-Matt was going to go home to Andie.  They got food and headed for the apartment.  Sam ate and sat through an hour of the silent treatment.  I swear that girl has a black belt in it.  He finally came home.  Two hours later he got a text from Matt-"will you come get me?"  I looked at Sam and told him he did the right thing.  Matt had used up his free pass for the night with our household.  And Sam didn't want the fight to continue here.  So the next 3 texts from Matt went unanswered.  Sam and I have a pact-not our problem.  We love him but he made his decision.  As I tell the boys, sometimes it really sucks to be a grown-up.

I've slowly been working around the house today.  Put stuff away.  I redid my fireplace mantle and it now has a native American side in tribute to my mom who would be a great grandmother very soon.  I look at it and it makes me feel happy.

Sam and the lead singer for the band are here working on songs.  I really don't mind the noise at all.  Plus, I love Josh-he holds his own in movie discussions with me and I always enjoy that.  He did tell me that he has a new job.  One night a week he will be a waiter in a strip joint...then he grinned and said, "think Magic Mike".  Yup-the guy will be a waiter one night a week at an all male revue.  He says the waiters make more in tips than the dancers do, because they are out in the crowd.  He also said Sam told him that I'm not allowed in there.

Evil Sam.

Tonight is "Big Brother" and I'm so darned addicted.  I've been sitting here with a heat pack and now I'm going to go out with Neko and move a few plants around.  I know if I sit on a stool, I can plant a couple of things in the sunpots because there won't be so much bending over.  

And tonight I'll sit on my front porch for a little while and watch the sunset.

I love my house!

There is a definite improvement in my back this morning which is encouraging.  I know better than to start hauling around sunpots, cases of water, and the 20 pound Maine Coon cat.  I refuse to take any chances this time.  Massage therapy this afternoon.  I'm hoping she will tell me that she notices an improvement and its not me visiting that land called Fantasy.  (I must be feeling better if I can make a Disneyland reference)

I did get some stuff done around the house yesterday.......until evil Sam came rushing out of his room saying that he and a buddy were going to dash off to see the very next showing of the Batman movie.  By the time he was ready to drive off, I was sitting shot gun in his car.  Yes, the boys and I still call "shot gun".  I did want to see it one more time in the theater.  By the time it started last week-after the previews-it was almost 12:15am and I had been sitting there since 5:30pm.  Its a 2 hour and 45 minute movie.  I knew what happened the last 40 minutes, but wasn't alert enough to get everything out of it I wanted to.  So I'm glad I went.  I ran into one of the guys who works at the theater that I've now known for about 3 years.  I always enjoy talking movies with a fellow movie lover!

So, yes, Sam and I were at our movie theater yesterday at 11:30am and then again at 7pm.  But the Star Trek thing was so fun!  I really enjoyed it and I know Sam did too.  Noisiest crowd I've ever experienced during a movie.  Much laughter and applause through both episodes.  Sam got a little annoyed, but I told him he had to realize that it was like a bunch of like-minded people who were sitting around someone's tv in their livingroom watching a couple of shows we all loved-it was that informal.  And I loved the interviews with the cast/crew-I'm really glad we went.

As of this morning, I'm convinced that Andie has been pregnant for 36 months now.  If she hasn't had Tristan by next Monday, I feel we will be going on a 48 month pregnancy.  Matt's dad stopped by for a while yesterday and we had a long talk about Mandie's relationship.  We both feel the same way and have the same concerns. I know that Sam feels the same way we do.  I hope things change once Tristan is born, but I really don't know.  I sort of feel that, if she hadn't gotten pregnant, the relationship would definitely not lasted more than a year.

This is our first morning of sun before 11am which is nice.  Its been hot (for here!) and muggy.  I'd dearly love to get out and do some yard work and sweep the patio.  But instead I'll water the sunpots carrying out a cup of water at a time.  I have lots of paperwork to catch up on since I can sit comfortably at the dining room table where my computer, etc., is.  Or, as I call it, Command Central.  I've toyed with having Sam move my computer back out to my desk since Mandie has vacated that room.  But I can look out into the front yard and watch the comings and goings of the cul de sac. I know the moment my front door opens and who is coming in.  I can watch tv while I'm on my computer.  I just like it here.  

Sam and I's next adventure will be an afternoon/evening spent at Sea World.  Its something we've done each summer and we missed last summer since I was in the hospital.  Next month I'll be making hotel reservations for our October trip to Disneyland.  Sam is going up for one day/night to celebrate his birthday.  Then I will spend another night and 2 more days at the parks to celebrate one year of being of hospice care.  To put aside money for the trip, I pick up a Disneyland gift card for $25.00 whenever I have the money at the grocery store.  If I put aside cash, I'm afraid I'll spend it in a very maturely way such as buying out Toys R Us to celebrate Tristan turning a month old!

Dear Tristan, any time after 4pm today would be excellent for you to make your way into the world.  I know your mother would love spending some time in air conditioning right now.  I think I will be able to handle sitting in a waiting room chair waiting for your dad to walk in and tell me its time to meet you.  So, if you could fit today into your busy baby schedule, I'd be really happy.  Love Grandma

Quick post.  My back is slowly getting better despite my total frustration of being couch ridden.  I am going tonight to see a "Star Trek The Next Generation" thing with Sam tonight.  It will be so wonderful to get out of the house-I haven't since Thursday night.  I am going to do some light housework today.  I see my massage therapist tomorrow and then again next week.  Its what I have to do right now.  Andie is 9 months pregnant today.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed he'll wait until next week when I should be feeling better.  I'm so hooked on "Big Brother" and am actually scheduling my life around it.  

What can I say?  I'm going to let my inner Trekkie out tonight!

My back is killing me.  Of course, I'm not staying off my feet like I'm supposed to.  But I'm off them for the next 2 hours-"The Devil's Advocate" is starting on SciFy.  That movie has one of the best monologues I've ever seen.  Matt is doing back-to-back photo shoots on the patio this afternoon.  Something about the way the light reflects off the patio roof???   Hey, I'm just the photographer's mom.