I’m sitting here stunned and in shock but I also say I saw this coming months ago.

I just read an email from the ex who said that Matt is no longer living with Andie.  She has taken Tristan and moved out.  Matt can only see him at her mom’s house. When she says its okay.

And I’m sorry but I am now going to vent. 

And I don’t even have the energy to do that.

The ex says attorneys will now be involved.  

I’m guessing that she went back to her mom’s house.  At least I know that her mom will take care of my grandson.

Now venting-because that girl is a fucking nut job!

In my world sometimes you just have to listen and then walk away into your closet and laugh your head off because you don’t know what else to do.

I was emailing my neighbor to let her know what was going on and Sam walked out.  Grabbed 2 bottles of water from the fridge-now that doesn’t happen.  Walked over to me and told me his new girlfriend was here.  I asked him about her and if the family knew about her.  He said no.  I told him that since I wasn’t speaking to anyone, I’d keep my mouth shut.

I’m sorry.  I heard the GF word and wanted to run for the hills.  For the next 6 months please don’t let me piss off anymore girlfriends.

Now when your grown sons live with you, you are no longer mother and son.  You are roommates.  And I still don’t know how to do that.  I lived with my mom and then moved in with the ex.  

I’m happy for Sam.  A new relationship is so special.  But after Mandie, I’m scared of screwing it up.  Like I said, I will admit to when I’m wrong.  But I just can’t deal with meeting a new person today that is important to Sam and I want it to work.  I look like shit.  

Okay-focus on the good things.  I got dinner made by 10am before it got really hot.  Instead of the heat packs, I’m now using two bags of frozen peas on my back every hour for 20 minutes.  Already received one email from the ex but totally business related and I answered.  We actually have a breeze moving in through the front of the house.

And I’m going to do the grown up thing-grab a bottle of water and go hide out in my bedroom until he takes her home.

And pretend I’m a hermit.  Does that include pets?

Once again I’m getting back on my feet.  You can knock me down, but I keep getting up.

August has been a very rough month with all the drama about Tristan, can’t see him, Matt and I fighting, the ex verbally attacking me.  Both of them telling me the other is lying and Matt telling me that Sam lied to me, my mom dying 11 years ago a few days ago and for several hours all I could see in my head was she holding her great grandson.

I realize there are always 3 sides to every story.  Mine, theirs, and the truth.  And with all my trust issues, I’m really big on honesty and will step up and say when I’m wrong.

I shouldn’t have lost my temper with Matt the other night.  But I can only take so much.  And after so many years of pretending things are okay, its very hard for me to do.  But I hope that, in a few months, he and I can talk and I explain that to him.  The ex has become verbally abusive and I will no longer tolerate that.  He doesn’t respect the boundaries I try to establish-basically, dude?  We are not getting back together.  

All I want is for Tristan’s sake, Mandie can get along.  I truly feel its better that I’m completely out of their lives.  For some reason, I’ve become the trigger that sets everyone off.  I want Matt’s life to be as easy as possible and for him to be happy.  And I want the same thing for Sam which is why I refuse to put him in the middle of all this.  I know that Matt and I have the same tendency to be very over protective of Sam.  But Sam is all I’ve got now.  I can’t tell my friends about what is going on but my neighbor has been holding me up through all this.  She witnessed the insanity of Mandie so I know I’m not making this up.

Okay-enough.

I got on the scale today and found out I’ve lost 10 pounds over the last month.  Between the stress and heat, I can’t eat.  Which means my energy level goes to zero.  I went to the store at 6am-before it got hot-and got Ensure, fruit, veggies, and chicken to eat today.  Nothing like taking a hot shower and then using heat packs during a heat wave.  But if I baby my back today, I’m hoping for 15 minutes of my yoga dvd tomorrow morning.  It will so help my back. 

Looking on the bright side-Disneyland in October.  ”Indiana Jones” with Sam next week.  I honestly thought I’d give my ticket to Matt, but I need it.  I’ll close my eyes and tuck my feet up underneath me during the snake parts.  There is so much buzz about the Emmys and the Oscars on the Internet.  Sometimes I have to lose myself in Hollywood to escape my world.

There is a “Flipping Out” marathon on Bravo today-I love that show!  I want Zoila to come live with me.  I have “Ally McBeal” for tonight.  

And now a mushy moment-thank you for all your comments.  They mean so much to me!

And I just got a brilliant idea because I need a small moment of humor-Chuckles needs his own Twitter.

I. am. done.

I’m walking away.  I have to for my health and my sanity.

The ex sent me a long text that Andie took Tristan and left Matt because he brought him over to see me.  They are telling me its all lies. The smartest thing I did was to forward the text to Matt.  The ex, after all these years, continues to tell me I’m crazy and its all in my head. I know longer know who to believe.  And so I’m done.  I let the ex know he is only allowed to contact me via email regarding business matters.  I will no longer have any contact with either Matt or Andie.  I got to hold that baby and am so grateful for that.  But I will not be a part of this anymore. I still have one son and my life to live.  When I get the money I will be having the locks changed.  Only Sam and I are allowed in my house.

I will spend the next 24 hours picking up the pieces of my life.

I have Sam.  I have my pets.  I have my house.  I can make it.

I have so much to say but need to just stay quiet for a day to sort of sit on everything that happened yesterday in a matter of 4 hours.  I basically threw Matt out of the house and figured I’d never see him again.  But all that matters?

I HELD THAT BABY!  

I got to spend 45 minutes with him and rocked him in the chair that I bought for him and I could go on and on and on.

I HELD BABY T!

He’s so perfect.  I’ll tell the whole story tomorrow-lots of yelling, anger, and tears on many people’s part.  But today I just have to wallow in the fact that

I HELD TRISTAN!!!!

And I wanted to share that

I HELD MY GRANDSON!!!!!!!

There are moments in life that completely rock and I had one.

The heat is coming again.  But I’m ready for it this time.  I’ve been rushing around getting all the laundry done so I don’t have to run the dryer for a couple of days.  Errands taken care of.  Buk walked at 7am for 45 minutes.  Already one cat is horizontal and 3 fans are running.  Mondays were going to be my Sea World days, but not today.  To much to do, maybe tomorrow?

I ended up having a wonderful day yesterday.  Much neighbor time.  We both now know she’s out of here by Oct. 1st.  Now we can’t even stop talking while we watch a movie!

I’ll sum it up-wonderful lunch at a new restaurant she introduced me to.  She got called into work.  I watched the open house at her place and let her know when everyone was gone.  I declared jammie party at my house.  Showed her pics of my mom.  We did aromatherapy while watching “Pleasantville”. Sent her home halfway through the movie because we were both falling asleep.

We started having earthquakes yesterday around 2pm.  I had never heard of the term “earthquake swarm” before.  But I didn’t feel any of them.  Of course, when big planes go over my house, it shakes.  They were all 5.3 or lower.  But we will be out of the woods by Tuesday.  I’ve got plenty of canned food, cat food, and went and bought more water this morning-just in case.

And I slept 6 hours in a row for the first time in months.

Sometimes life just doesn’t get better than that…and I’ve definitely found my laughter again!

Time to go move laundry around.

Only me. *shaking my head at myself*

Finally fell asleep at 12:30am.  Woke up a couple of times, but was able to go back to sleep.  At 4am toyed with the idea of getting up and starting my day.  But Leon the Maine Coon cat said, “you don’t need to.  I’ll purr you back to sleep to apologize for throwing up on the bed yesterday.”  How can I argue with a 20 pound cat?

I opened my eyes a little later to see my bedroom filled with sunlight.  My first thought was, “oh crap!  Its 6:20am and half my day is gone.  I’m getting such a late start!”

Again, only me.

But I figured I needed the sleep.  There was a little hint of fall in the air yesterday, but another warm-up is on its way.  I hadn’t put away the fans-I knew better.  At least the pets have gotten a few days of relief.

I had a good day yesterday.  Worked around the house.  Did paperwork.  Played a few games on Facebook-I’m so addicted to those but really limit how much time I play.  Buk and I headed out to the deck around 6:30 for fire bowl time.  But it was too windy to get a log lit.  So we hung out there anyway for an hour-he enjoys being out in the yard with me so much and I enjoy being out there with him.  I refuse to think about Matt taking him when Mandie moves into their house in a couple of months.  I can’t go there right now.  We came in before dark to avoid the skunk army.  I’ve been so diligent-its been over a month since we’ve had a skunking!  An evening laughing at “Ally McBeal”.  I ended up taking Buk out under strict supervision 11:30 and ran into my neighbor who was just getting home.  I started laughing and said, “now you know my secret-I take Buk out every night one final time in my jammies!” and she laughed.

It looks like she has stuff going on, so it will be another day of doing stuff around the house.  But it suits my mood today.  I lost mom 11 years ago today.  I think I need the comfort of being in my wonderful little house with my pets and just puttering around today.

I figured out from Matt’s posts that he is out of town right now.  Sam said the ex comes home today-oh joy.  I know he’s going to start in on me about the Mandie situation and I’ve figured out how I will put my foot down.  He’s already managed to stir up enough trouble about it.  And I won’t take it anymore.

I glanced at my Entertainment Weekly that came yesterday and put it aside for a day when I can take it to a restaurant.  ”The Walking Dead” is on the cover and I’m so excited about it starting up again.  It doesn’t have the same effect on me that “American Horror Story” does-Sam and I love our zombies.  My next movie release coming up is 9/7-”The Words” with Bradley Cooper.  Sam and I have been captivated with this one since we saw our first preview-it looks sooooo good.  I keep learning more and more about the movie/tv industry.  I’m sort of over my obsession with screenplay adaptations.  With the fall tv season coming up, I want to learn what a “show runner” is and what they have to do with making a show go.  There has been a few shake-ups over the last couple months with show runners and I want to figure this out.  Me and my obsession with the entertainment industry….but it makes me happy.  

Oh crap-its 8:20 and I’m still in my jammies! *big deep breath*  Leopardditz-you have plenty of time today.  

*shaking my head again*

Darn but my computer is running slow.  Kind of me this week.  My mood has been up and down.  I didn’t know what was going to happen Friday with Matt.  Tomorrow it will be 12 years since my mom died.  This year its hitting kind of hard because of Tristan’s birth.  I wish she could have held him.  Matt never bothered showing up or even getting in touch with me yesterday.  Oh well.  I tried.  I reached out.  And got nothing.  I’m trying to stay positive and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  The cooler weather helps, especially with the sleeping.  I can’t sit around and worry about what may or may not happen.  I can’t spend the day buried in a book trying to forget stuff.  This morning when I was writing in my journal, I realized that I wrote the following-”I feel like I’ve lost my laughter.”  After much consideration, I decided I didn’t lose it this week-it just got misplaced.  Reading a Danielle Steel book about a mother and daughter who were very close didn’t help.  Especially when the daughter got pregnant and I had to go through her pregnancy.

So, as of today, I’m putting the kleenex box away.  And I think I just found my laughter.  In my head I have a picture of me, not Stallone leading the Expendables.  Not sure if I could rock a beret the way they do it.  But I’m going to stop being wimpy and whiny.  I actually think I’m having a kick ass moment in my head!  I’ve got lots of stuff to do around the house.  The laundry and housework doesn’t get done when I’m vertical on my couch, crying into a book.  Buk and I were out the door this morning by 7am to head to the grocery store.  I got yummy stuff to make for lunch and dinner.  A beautiful bouquet of sunflowers and roses that was on sale.  I can’t look at sunflowers without smiling-my mom loved them. 

Sam is going to a bonfire with friends tonight.  I think Buk and I are going to have an early fire in the fire bowl on the deck.  We have to be in before dark and the skunk army comes out.  I love sitting on my deck and enjoying the view.  Then it will be me and the group at Fish and Cage law firm with “Ally McBeal”.  Can’t help but laugh at that.  My neighbor and I may be going out to lunch and then watching “Pleasantville” tomorrow afternoon.  She’s on call, so plans have to be written in chalk in case she does get called in.  Thinking about doing Sea World again Monday night.  It won’t be so hot and I can stay longer and play with my camera.

I still have one son that’s speaking to me and I need to be the best mom I can for him.  Mandie has caused enough drama in our lives for almost a year now.  If he gets in touch with me, great.  If not, so be it and its his choice.  The only thing is that my neighbor is really the only one of my friends who knows what’s going on.  She’s been around Andie and could hear the fights from her house.  I’ve been kind of avoiding friends because I don’t know what to say about Tristan.  ”Oh yes, I’m now a grandmother but haven’t seen my son or grandson for almost 3 weeks now, since the day he was born.  Maybe in another week or so I’ll be ready with the right things to say to sort of gloss over those questions.  ”Matt’s really busy with work” or “he’s traveling right now”-I can come up with something.

After all, in my head?  I’m wearing a beret and driving the really cool truck Stallone did in the movie.

Zero fans running.

ZERO FANS RUNNING AND A BREEZE!

I’m such a baby but there is a reason I pay such high property taxes.

Okay-back to as normal as I get.  The temperature in my house dropped 10 degrees in the last 12 hours.  Sam has invaded my bathroom.  His shower broke.  I’m going to have boy cooties in my bathroom.  I’m getting creeped out as I type this.  Just reinforces how strange I am.

Mandie update-Matt and I are going to have a face-to-face on Friday.  I’m either going to “girl up” and say lets talk it out, or “dude up” and we shrug it off.  I need to know one way or the other.  Either I get to hold that baby or not.

Today is a heat pack day.  I knew it would happen.  Tomorrow I will be running around.

I’m loving the silence in my house since I turned off the fans.  And seeing all the pets upright again.  

I scared the crap out of myself with the latest thing from “American Horror Story”.  The thing crawling up the down side of the stairs?  Really?

I may make Sam sit in the living room when I watch the first episode in October.

Breeze!  Breeze!  BREEZE!

Coming through the front of the house!

I swear I will happy dance if it drops into the 70′s in my house in the next 12 hours.

I went to Sea World yesterday afternoon.  With all the black asphalt it was even hotter there.  First thing I did was go on my favorite coaster there.  I ended up in a car with 6 Japanese girls who barely spoke English.  They were probably between 10 to 12 years old.  I was suppose to sit in the back.  They all freaked out-no one wanted to sit in the front, they were scared.  I stepped up and did the right thing….and got completely soaked.  They all hugged me when we got off the ride.  Sometimes you take one for the team.

I went and saw a show afterwards, but the whole wet clothes thing was getting kind of miserable so I headed home.  But I was so glad I went!  I’m going back next Monday-with a change of clothes in a plastic bag so I can last longer.

I stupidly watched another “American Horror Story-Asylum” preview today and got scared again.  All it takes is 15 seconds and I’m freaked out.  I’ve been telling Sam about what I’m seeing.  He’s actually becoming intrigued enough to want to watch it.  

I had a rare “me” day yesterday.  Got my hair trimmed and my nails done.  I actually found a place that does nail art and am proudly wearing some.  It makes me smile every time I look at my nails.  

That’s all I have-too hot at my computer.