August 25, 2012

• Darn but my computer is running slow.  Kind of me this week.  My mood has been up and down.  I didn’t know what was going to happen Friday with Matt.  Tomorrow it will be 12 years since my mom died.  This year its hitting kind of hard because of Tristan’s birth.  I wish she could have held him.  Matt never bothered showing up or even getting in touch with me yesterday.  Oh well.  I tried.  I reached out.  And got nothing.  I’m trying to stay positive and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  The cooler weather helps, especially with the sleeping.  I can’t sit around and worry about what may or may not happen.  I can’t spend the day buried in a book trying to forget stuff.  This morning when I was writing in my journal, I realized that I wrote the following-”I feel like I’ve lost my laughter.”  After much consideration, I decided I didn’t lose it this week-it just got misplaced.  Reading a Danielle Steel book about a mother and daughter who were very close didn’t help.  Especially when the daughter got pregnant and I had to go through her pregnancy.

  So, as of today, I’m putting the kleenex box away.  And I think I just found my laughter.  In my head I have a picture of me, not Stallone leading the Expendables.  Not sure if I could rock a beret the way they do it.  But I’m going to stop being wimpy and whiny.  I actually think I’m having a kick ass moment in my head!  I’ve got lots of stuff to do around the house.  The laundry and housework doesn’t get done when I’m vertical on my couch, crying into a book.  Buk and I were out the door this morning by 7am to head to the grocery store.  I got yummy stuff to make for lunch and dinner.  A beautiful bouquet of sunflowers and roses that was on sale.  I can’t look at sunflowers without smiling-my mom loved them. 

  Sam is going to a bonfire with friends tonight.  I think Buk and I are going to have an early fire in the fire bowl on the deck.  We have to be in before dark and the skunk army comes out.  I love sitting on my deck and enjoying the view.  Then it will be me and the group at Fish and Cage law firm with “Ally McBeal”.  Can’t help but laugh at that.  My neighbor and I may be going out to lunch and then watching “Pleasantville” tomorrow afternoon.  She’s on call, so plans have to be written in chalk in case she does get called in.  Thinking about doing Sea World again Monday night.  It won’t be so hot and I can stay longer and play with my camera.

  I still have one son that’s speaking to me and I need to be the best mom I can for him.  Mandie has caused enough drama in our lives for almost a year now.  If he gets in touch with me, great.  If not, so be it and its his choice.  The only thing is that my neighbor is really the only one of my friends who knows what’s going on.  She’s been around Andie and could hear the fights from her house.  I’ve been kind of avoiding friends because I don’t know what to say about Tristan.  ”Oh yes, I’m now a grandmother but haven’t seen my son or grandson for almost 3 weeks now, since the day he was born.  Maybe in another week or so I’ll be ready with the right things to say to sort of gloss over those questions.  ”Matt’s really busy with work” or “he’s traveling right now”-I can come up with something.

  After all, in my head?  I’m wearing a beret and driving the really cool truck Stallone did in the movie.

  • 1:43 pm
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